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Recently I've realized something. Your friends will not always value you the same way you value them.
This has only become something I've truly paid attention to lately - simply because I have friends that aren't on the same page as me; or at least their actions don't say so.
If any of you are reading this blog, sometime down the road, or maybe next week, who knows when I'll finally share it...I want you to know, my love for you hasn't gone anywhere. I promise.
But; that being said, I'm learning that it's okay to let go of friendships sometimes. You can only do so much before the other person has to meet you in the middle, and sometimes, God says "you don't have to keep going. This is on her now; stop beating your head against the wall."
I know that sounds silly, but it's true. Sometimes God gives us the o.k. to walk away.
It's a bittersweet feeling...knowing you've done everything you can, yet they don't care...and at the same time this battle you were fighting is no longer something you have to worry about. Of course, it doesn't mean you just ditch the person. But the deep friendship you once had or were at once working towards? That might not ever happen.
I've been down the road of disappointment too many times. Friend, after friend, after friend has left me in the dust for someone else. They've said "see ya, I found someone better."
That's partially why I have this blog - because I wanted to have a place where I could just leave it all, and be myself, and not have to worry about any of them ridiculing me.
I'm a strong girl. I don't let my emotions run my life - and I rarely react on my emotions quickly. But I will ignore hurt and pain and stinging comments to a point that isn't healthy. And I finally lose it, and discover I don't even know why I'm friends with some people. I get to such a lonely place, though, that I'd rather spend time with them than complain about my feelings. This is half my fault for not finding enough of a friend in my Savior and half the fault of the people who surround me.
That's not how it should be, though; I shouldn't be spending time with people who are constantly tearing me down, or who I don't feel really care. This is not to say some healthy criticism once in a while isn't due...but I have friends whom I spend time with and only ever walk away from our time together feeling dejected...and that's not okay; especially when they're my brothers and sisters in Christ.
We are to be building each other up, not tearing them down. And unfortunately, that's not always the case. I'm not perfect at it either; but I have been on the receiving end of brutal sarcasm and stinging remarks far too often.
I'm going somewhere with all this, I promise.
A couple days ago, my bible app's verse of the day was Proverbs 13:20; it read:
Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
This is how I feel, oh so very often. I spend time with people who aren't uplifting, and my heart suffers harm.
Maybe I'm taking this out of context, I don't know. But I do know I'm not going to keep that habit up. I'm done having half-hearted friendships with people who say "lets hang out!" but don't mean it. I'm over the boring youth group conversations that leave me thinking "did we really just have a whole conversation about that?"
I want to talk about Jesus! I want to talk about my struggles and not be judged, because I have a stamp on my forehead that says "Expectaion: perfect". I'm not perfect. I'm a human 17 year old girl. Lets cut each other some slack and love deeply, wholly, truly, like Christ did. Lets go beyond your day and the weather, lets talk.
My new goal is to be a friend who is wise; to be a friend who is uplifting, and caring. The bible says they will know us by our love - I want to be the kind of friend that is simply love to the other, in hope that they are trying to be the same, and we can come together and glorify Christ in our friendship.
Strive to be the wise friend; strive to walk with the wise friend. Two very different, very daunting tasks.
Blessings, sweet friends.
xoxo,
Ruthanne
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