late night pondering

I sit here tonight, awaiting the parents of a couple kids I babysit to come home and let me return to my house and fall into bed.

I am so tired. And I still have another 30+ hours of babysitting booked over the next week.

Tonight, amidst the chaos that is my life lately, I sit here pondering what is to come. I feel absolutely terrified. I feel run down. I feel doubt. I feel like there is something horrible coming my way and I'm not even close to being prepared for it. I feel as though I'm not ready to move forward. But at the same time, I can't wait to just go and get on with it.

And that is why I feel joy and peace, knowing my Jesus was born into this world of evil and died bearing my sins; to make all of that okay, and to give me the ability to press on, knowing He's got this.

Tonight I feel. Tonight I ache. Tonight I wonder. Tonight I choose to accept His sovereignty. Tonight, and every night, I belong to Him.

sometimes he says "no".

I've learned something this past month, beyond hearing it and knowing it's true, rather than having it actually happen to me.

Sometimes God says no.

I know, I know. I should know this by now.

But I've never really had Him tell me no quite so bluntly and clearly, and then back up His answer with so many sound reasons; reasons that he showed me.

You see, after dinner with the aforementioned boy, I felt odd. I felt just, at war with myself. If this was supposed to be, why did I feel so awful?

I brushed it off and just assumed it was me getting nervous about it actually happening. 

I prayed, after dinner, "Lord, if these feelings aren't of you, take them away. I don't want anything to do with them if they're not what you want."

The next morning, all desire to have a boyfriend who was that serious, to be in a relationship, to be dating, was gone. I had no urge to text him. The only explanation for it was Christ. My heart was changed overnight; I went to bed dreaming of his adorable face and woke up wishing I didn't have to deal with this right now.

I'm still asking Him why, but He gave me some clarity at a party this weekend. No one is ready for such a fast moving, intense relationship at 17 these days. I wish we were; that's how God created it to be; us to marry and have kids young, but the reality is that's not how it works anymore.

I'm an old soul, as you all know. I don't think like the average 17 year old (most of the time) and I rarely relate with other "average" 17 year olds. Teens in general, to be honest. But I digress; I'm an old soul, and he is too, to an extent, but he still has a long way to go before he's ready to take on the hurricane that is Ruthanne, not because he's necessarily immature, but because he's 17. I want a man, y'all. I don't want a boy  who can shave. I want a man who will pick up his cross daily and bear it; knowing it won't always be easy. I want someone who will accept me for everything I am; good and bad, and I want someone who I can love everything about, because the person they are is so much more than their flaws, and they know who they are in Christ. 

He just isn't there. And it breaks my heart; it was too good to be true, right now. But sometimes, He says no.

That being said, there is no perfect time to jump into a relationship. If the Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it. But I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that He is telling me no right now. And it's so amazing how one triumph in one struggle brings you to a new struggle; I'm content with being single and "free" right now, really, really, really content, and I can't go or do anything yet. I'm still stuck here, waiting for Him to give me my next move. But it's all part of His plan for my life. The growing pains that come with getting older.

merry merry.

merry christmas, dear readers.

giveaway: win a handmade knot headband!

Hey y'all! Guess what? Remember how I promised a giveaway? WELLLLLL....

It's HERE! I wanted to thank ALL of you SO MUCH for sticking with me this year. Your encouraging words have meant so much to me, and just knowing people actually read what I say and care...that's pretty great. I appreciate all of you so much!

So...you get to enter to win this crocheted knot headband made by me JUST for YOU! Exciting stuff, if you ask me. I have made so many of these this year for gifts, and really, they're my new favorite thing. I probably have 6 different colors just for myself...it's a problem, I know. But they're so comfortable, and so easy to wear, and if it's FREEZING where you live like it is here (most mornings it's between 10 + -8...brr!) you'll appreciate this cute addition to your wardrobe. 

So, here's where you get to get all your entries in. The giveaway will last until midnight on December 31st.  So...get busy, invite your friends, share on your facebook, post a picture on instagram and tag it, whatever you want to do. 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

winter wonderland + hey there

Hi there, friends!

I'm dropping in for a moment or two to tell you that I will be hosting a giveaway later this week - so keep your eyes out! It's going to be great! :)

Annnd...look at how pretty my little street looks right now! It's been snowing off and on for the past few days, and is supposed to keep up until Christmas! So very excited! I love white Christmases. 

I'm off to bed now - I promise I'll work on stopping in more! Really :)

xoxo, Ruthanne