life + drawing the line

This post is going to be long. It's going to be controversial. It's not going to be politically correct. But it's going to be real; and I hope you take the time to read it.

Life. The state of being alive and living day to day. Every single one of you reading this right now; you are experiencing life. 

You are alive; breathing; happy or sad, you, my friend, are alive.

Now, forget everything you've been taught as you've grown up and aged.

If you've been taught that there is a God, forget that for a second. If you haven't, forget that too, for a minute.

Imagine yourself as a 15 year old kid in 2013.

You've grown up in a world where babies are killed by the thousands each day, because they dared to exist.

You've grown up in a world where you were taught that your life is a mere accident; you are here simply because of luck.

When your parents made love the day you were conceived, it was just an accident that you came to be.

And on top of that, every generation up until you was merely chance, as well. You came from monkeys. You have no real purpose. Life is just a mundane part of nature. You're worthless.

The media has told you lie after lie about when life begins.

Babies are killed each day; by the hundreds; removed from their mother's womb by violent and damaging procedures; no one blinks.

Yet, 20 children are shot to death at an elementary school, and the world is in an uproar; and who do they blame? Not the killer - oh, no. The gun.

You're so confused about what life is, what it means, and how it impacts you.

What is the difference? Isn't a child a child? Isn't a person a person? Why is it okay that we murder children everyday using medical tools and "simple", deadly procedures, but using a gun to take a life isn't?

Dr Seuss said it himself; a person's a person, no matter how small. So then why is life so meaningless?

If babies lives have no value, then yours must not either. 

You come to a place of despair.

You feel you have no purpose, no worth, no value.

You're just like everyone else. 

There is nothing "special" about you. 

You take the same classes, wear the same clothes, you are not an individual, and you never will be no matter how hard you try, simply because "normal" is better.

These are the lies you grow up hearing.

From the media; your school; your peers; society; celebrities; if you're not "cool" and "normal", you're not worth anyone's time.

You have reached the edge. Your heart is hurting. 

If there is a God, he doesn't care.

Why would a God who claims to be so loving allow you to hurt so badly?

This is pointless, you think. Now, next year, ten, or 32 years, what's the difference when you go?

You take the leap; and your life ends.

Leaving heartache, confusion, and pain behind you.

----------------

A boy at our local high school committed suicide this past Thursday evening.

My town is upside down.

Asking the questions, how, why, what didn't we do, why didn't we see.

They are surprised.

I don't want to sound insensitive; but I, on the other hand, am not. Which a sad state.

The description I just gave you; being 15 in 2013; that right there, is why I am not surprised.

Our youth - MY generation, has been told our entire lives that life is chance. We are here because of luck.

We have no purpose; we have no plan for our lives.

So why should it surprise us, when after teaching the teenage generation of now the things we have, that they take their own lives?

I know there are other things that contribute to teen suicides.

Bullying. Depression. Anxiety. Mental illness.

But there are so many teens lost to unnecessary self inflicted deaths.

This is the third high school student to commit suicide in my town in two years.

That's three too many. 

When will we catch a clue and realize that this is all our fault.

This epidemic of teen suicides has grown far too much. 

These kids are taking their lives because we haven't taught them they have a purpose. 

There are approximately 4,874 suicides each year per 200,000 people aged 5-24.

Do you get that?

Four thousand, eight hundred and seventy four.

The suicide rate has over quadrupled in the past 65+ years.

Lets see, that puts us back to 1952...

Before abortion was legal.

Before God was taken out of schools.

Before the height of women working outside of the home.

Before the divorce rate skyrocketed.

Are you seeing a trend here?

I am.

Family.

Abortion was unheard of and a horrible, awful thing to do in the 1950s. It became a "popular" way of "disposing" of unwanted life in the 70's.

God was taken out of the school in 1973. Since then, the American youth has grown increasingly more unreliable, unstable, and unable to take on responsibility like kids used to pre 1973,

Fun fact: the term "teenager" didn't come about til the 1920s, and didn't reach a level of popularity til the forties. Even then, however, "teenagers" still maintained responsibility of their actions, mostly. Their age was not an excuse for their actions.

In 1950, women made up roughly 33% of the American work force.Today, they make up nearly half, at 48%. 

Divorce was slim to none in the 50s and 60s. The rate climbed steadily til the late 70's early 80's when it reached it's peak, and became the trend. If it didn't work, throw it out.

So, since the 50's, we've taught kids that:

If the baby isn't what you want it to be, or doesn't come at the right time, or it's inconvenient throw it away.

If God isn't present and we can't see Him, throw him away. That is, of course, until 20 children are shot to death in a elementary school, then, He can come back, cause we need him. but otherwise, throw him away.

If all men are created equal...then women deserve to work outside of the home, too, right? But that comes with a sacrifice...much less time to spend on their family; pouring into the young hearts of their children; involving themselves fully in their lives. Therefore, if raising a family isn't fun anymore, throw that ambition away and go do something else with your life.

Oh, yeah, and when I said "I DO", that was just a joke. Ha, I didn't mean forever and always, all that in sickness and in health stuff...I just meant until I got bored, and you didn't meet my expectations, until you weren't good enough for me anymore, and I fell out of love. Therefore, we're going to throw our marriage away, too!

So then, when we, as a nation, have created a trend of throwing things away that used to have value, that used to have worth, and this is all our youth has grown up seeing, why then are we surprised when they throw their lives away?

Obviously, we don't value that anymore either. It doesn't matter.

America; parents; grandparents; when will you realize that these problems begin in the home?

The only answer is Jesus Christ, and daring to be different in how you raise your family.

We have to stand up and say that life matters.

Abortions are wrong. Life is life; a baby is a baby, 12 minutes old since conception or 12 hours old since birth. A child is a life; a life that deserves a chance to be lived.

We need to bring Him back into the education of our youth; they need to know that He created them with a purpose!! He made them special, and normal is not okay. HE made THEM to be who they are.

We need our families to be families. Women working is amazing, and wonderful; but only if they put equal effort into their children and marriage as they do into their job. Children are the greatest gift of all.

And we need the couples that are jumping into marriage, to stay committed. In sickness and in health. For rich or for poor, til death do they part. Love is enduring hard times, and rejoicing in the good times together.

I get it.

Crap happens. Things don't go how we plan them.

But if we would just start focusing on our kids. 

The next generation of parents are the teenagers of 2013. 

Things will only get worse, unless we stand up and take a STAND for what is right, true, and good.

We are only human; we are a fallen people; but we have a Redeemer who DIED for our inadequacies. 

He is the ultimate reason for life.

You are worth it. 

You have a purpose. 

You are one of a kind. 

You are fearfully, 

& oh so wonderfully made.

dear girls: on confidence vs. vanity.

We all have that one trait that people commonly pick out in us. 

Some of us are shy, some of us are quiet. some of us are bubbly, smiley, happy, etc, etc. 

I've always been told my confidence is evident; that I carry myself in a way that says "I'm not afraid of the world and what it has to say."

You're probably asking why the heck I'm sitting here typing this for you to read if you choose to....but this post if for you girls. 

You see, I'm discovering as a young woman in 2012, that true confidence is often mistaken for other things.

I think a lot of people take my confidence as me being cocky, full of myself, and big headed. 

Some people take shyness as being rude and dumb. 

Some people take loudness as attention seeking.

A while ago I had an encounter with someone who didn't like my confidence and told me I made others feel bad with my ability to believe I can do anything I want to.

I've been pondering this for some time now, wondering what I could say to someone if that ever was said to me again, and it's bound to happen. 

I believe every woman should equip themselves with true confidence - not confidence in their ability to manipulate or persuade, but the kind of confidence that doesn't care what others have to say, isn't easily influenced by what is "cool" and "trendy", and doesn't measure their worth by what others think. Do you agree?

I'd like to think that's the kind of confidence I have. Of course, I'm not perfect, and never will be. But what fun is life if you're constantly comfortable with who you are? I think we should always be striving to become a better version of ourselves, growing in the Lord and His desires.

I don't remember exactly what I said to the person who told me my confidence was essentially offensive, but I do remember I didn't apologize for it. I wondered for a while if that was the right thing to do, and finally I am confident in my decision not to apologize. God's created every single one of us differently. We are all similar in one way or a thousand, but none of us are exactly alike. I won't ever apologize for who God made me to be.

This isn't to say that it's an excuse for bad behavior. If I were acting out and being intentionally rude, hurtful, and trying to tear others down, I would feel obligated to apologize.

So, this post is for all of you ladies. 

Be confident in who you are and your ability to succeed with Christ. Don't ever apologize for who He made you to be. You are precious in His sight and lovely. He made you who You are. Shy, happy, quiet, bubbly, confident. You are not subject to the world and it's commands on women today. 

Don't be afraid to dress yourself with confidence. Modesty is not "lame" - it shows your respect yourself and are confident in your ability to be beautiful without flaunting.

Don't be afraid to speak your mind. You may not always be politically correct or say things that are "socially acceptable", but you don't have to be. We learn from our mistakes. 

Don't be afraid to make those mistakes, either! That doesn't mean go out and do stupid things, but when you fall, pick yourself up, apologize if necessary, and keep going. You're not perfect, and that's okay.

And lastly, don't be afraid to be confident in your beauty, worth, and loveliness. I'm not saying you should  be vain. There is quite a difference. Vanity is having excessive pride in or admiration of one's own appearance or achievements. Confidence is the state of feeling certain about the truth of something. 

So, have confidence in knowing you are beautiful because He made you that way. Know that you are lovely, and more precious than rubies, and never apologize for being who He created you to be.

his eye is on the sparrow.

 

[my church parking lot view]

tonight has been filled with the stirring of desire in my heart.

and a lot of pondering on where God is going to take me over the next few years.

there are so many places He could send me. but I know there is only one thing He wants me to do.

as I listened to audrey assad sing songs about life tonight, followed by jj heller, I was reminded of how small I am.

but how, in one of audrey's songs "sparrow", a rewrite of a well known hymn, I was also reminded of how much He loves me; and how His eye is on the sparrow, so why should it not be on me? 

the desire to pursue music for Him has been on my heart for years. but only recently has it become so very, very strong. words cannot describe the feeling. 

tears are being brought to my eyes as I write this; my heart is full and heavy with joy and a tinge of fear; but I am ready to write and sing, no matter the circumstances. I am ready to be pushed out of my comfort zone, and be vulnerable, and imperfect.

I am ready to figure out who I am, as an artist, and what that means for my life. 

and I am terrified. 

because I like my comfort zone. I like not being vulnerable in my writing. and I like "being perfect", whatever the heck that means. 

but that's not what I need. nor what I want. 

I know; with all my heart; that music, and sharing the good news of my savior, King Jesus, is what my life was created for. 

God has blessed me with something I can't even comprehend...something I certainly don't deserve, and I am humbled that He would choose me, a silly sixteen year old, to represent Him so strongly.

it's scary, it really is. 

but as the picture above, so fittingly displays; even through all the busy day to day things we go through, His eye is on the sparrow; and I found it so neat that the picture I took this morning, could relate to the feelings of tonight, as there is one, lonely sparrow in the picture.

how cool is our God? 

oh, my word. what silly things we worry about on a daily basis. I can actually chuckle thinking of it. how petty we are at times. but that's why we have Jesus...to correct us when we're wrong, help us when we're lost, humble us when we become prideful, and rejoice with us those few times when we get it right.

thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus, for keeping your eye on me. keep me humble and faithful in the days, months, and years to come, as I continue on the journey that we so freely call "life". I pray, Father, that you would guide me, and calm my spirit and heart as I open up this new chapter of my life; the chapter that is discovering who I am as a musician for You, a singer of Your songs. thank you for giving me breath and life, and blessing me like you have. I am thankful. You are mighty, powerful and relentlessly showing me how much You truly love me; thank you for that. and Lord, please bless the people reading this prayer right now; guide them today, and tomorrow, thank you for all you do for us. in Your name; amen.

xoxo, ruthanne

bigger.

Oh, my sweet King. You are truly incredible. 

Yesterday, while at the thrift store, I bought the book I kissed dating goodbye by Joshua Harris. I read that book about a year and a half ago, per my mother's request - and was in love with it and the ideas set out in it. It's pure genius and should be read by every Christian woman - young and old. 

The book is not all about dating - but more about how our relationships should be glorifying God in all their ways, and how that should look. Whether it's a romantic relationship or a simple friendship. 

So anyway - I saw the book, sitting on the shelf, priced $1.50 - brand.new. And the tag was yellow, making it 50% off - so all in all it was $.75....and as I picked it up I knew God wanted me to read it with one of the girls at youth group who is younger than me. So in my mind, I made a mental list...of all the girls I thought it would be appropriate to read it with. It consisted all of the 8th graders who are graduating into high school this year, as well as a few freshman girls whom I worked with last year...the list was about 5 girls long...and so I began praying about which one of them needed the fellowship, support, and study time with someone older but not too much older than them. Namely, myself.

Step back a week. Last week at youth group, we finished the book of Acts, and this week, we had our last "life groups" session for that book - a time where the girls and guys split, and are directed by the leaders in a discussion about the last three weeks...so we have a night like this every 4th week. It's quite wonderful.

We ended up heading in a direction of sharing what God's been weeding out of our lives - pride, lust, gluttony, etc, etc. And one of my girls from last year, who's a freshman this year, (I refer to all of the girls who I've been a leader to while they've been in jr. high as my girls...) - who was also on my list - opened her heart up in front of all 20+ of us - and as she was talking, I got a little tug on my heart saying "you get to minister to her."

Well. funny story - this girl never liked me really - I always bugged her last year because I was so very open about my opinions on dating in high school just to date, gossip, lying, etc. I never tell my girls something just because it's what they want to hear....but even though she hated what I had to say, she kept coming back. 

My heart skipped a beat. "Oh no, God, not A...this is not going to go over well...please don't do this to me."

I could hear God laughing in my head....imagining Him saying "do what to you, missy? I'm blessing you with this opportunity, now take it and be a light."

*gulp* "Okay, whatever you say....", I thought back to myself....

We prayed for A, as a group, and then I went over (not before taking a big breath and putting on my big girl panties) and sat down with her - told her about the book, how I felt God telling me to go through it with her...and you know what she said, through tears?

"I would love to read it with you. Thank you." And she hugged me. Hugged me.

Oh, my word. That did not just happen.

God is so cool.

So, I'm going to be re-reading the book over the next month or so - so you can probably expect some posts about what I'm learning or talking about with A. This is just the first of many, I'm sure.

Thank you Lord, for being bigger than our hardened hearts.

worship & wonder.

I led worship last night for our evening service at church. 

Two of the songs we sang were How Great is Our God - by  Chris Tomlin, and Wonderful Maker, also by Chris Tomlin. 

These songs...and the lyrics....I can't get over them. They send chills up my spine - they remind me of how wonderful and great our God is!

Our God was the only thing in a vast expanse of nothingness - no life, no sound, no existence but him. And all he did - all  he had to do was say "let there be light", and there was light. God didn't have to do some insane list of things to make this happen; He just said four words; four little words; and there it was. 

Before we sang Wonderful Maker - I asked the congregation to close their eyes, and picture nothing - no noise, no light, no darkness - and I asked them to breathe - that's what God did to create them. I asked them to imagine saying let there be light - because that's what God did - and to try and grasp onto how truly amazing God is. 

I guarantee none of those people, including myself, came close to even touching comprehensiveness of such a thing. None of them. Because that is how great God is! There is no way for us  to ever imagine Him fully. He is the Lion and the Lamb - the beginning and the end, that alpha and omega. 

About 6 weeks ago I wrote a worship song centered around this - I'm hoping to share it with the congregation soon and then maybe even you all - but I wanted to share this first; because as I left that stage last night, and I reflected on the people who had raised their hands in adoration; closed their eyes in awe; I knew it was not me who did any of that. It was not me who inspired any of that - it was God. Because He gave me the gift of singing; the ability to play piano, and the perseverance to get better at leading His people into the throne room. It's not me. 

It's Him.

And when people tell me that I did a wonderful job; that I have great talent; that I am so gifted; if I ever cling to those words and believe that it is "I" and not  the great "I am" who has those things, I fall - in some way. And it is never good. It is never fun. And it always humbles me. 

You see - He could take my "talent", "gifts", and "ability" away in an instant. He didn't put me on this earth to be glorified - He put me on this earth to glorify.

I love these verses in Matthew chapter 6, 1-4:

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven."Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

 I always remind myself of that. Because I can do nothing great that will last without Christ.

Nothing at all; all attempts at greatness will be futile; vapid; worthless.

Thank you, Lord; for loving me even when I make those attempts; when I try to be the great one. Thank you, Lord; for not only forgiving me, but still allowing me to glorify You after it all.

You are my wonderful Maker - and I am, indeed, in awe of you.

the desire to love those who hate.

YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE? YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHOM YOU CAN NEVER SEEM TO PLEASE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO?

The ones who believe your world and everyone else's should revolve around them?

Yes, those people. The ones who truly think you are wrong in everything you do, and if only you would do it their way, you would be much happier and would succeed. 

I have one of those people as a friend. I have, in fact, put up with it for almost 7 years now. 

The bossiness, the rude remarks, and the unnecessary strictures she condemns me with are far from welcome. 

She came over tonight - and went through my closet like girlfriends do - except the first thing she could think of saying was "God, you're so much bigger than me! Guess I'm not borrowing clothes from you..."

It took everything within me not to tell her to leave. I have dealt with these sort of comments for years. And I am so, so incredibly sick of them. 

Not being good enough for someone you care about is one of the worst feelings in the world, is it not? When you love someone for their strengths and weaknesses, and they can only return that with loving you for what they think is good in you. Not for what truly is good in you.

I know for a fact that I am a strong, independent, confident, outgoing, and capable 16 year old. And I never doubt that until she comes around. 

Comments are made about how silly my faith is, how much more I should work out, what size jeans I wear....all to make herself feel better about "who she is". 

I will never be strong enough for her. I will never wear a size 00 in jeans like she thinks every girl should. And I will most certainly not give up my faith because she thinks it's unreasonably artificial.

But, after taking this all in for consideration....

I don't understand why she keeps calling.

Why does she keep wanting to pursue a friendship if I am that terrible of a person and can do nothing right?

It baffles me, and angers me, then saddens me. 

How dare she tell me what I can and cannot do in my life - how dare she think she can move away and still just waltz on in like I don't have a life. How dare she think I will stop everything for her - commitments I have had for weeks - to spend an hour with her. How dare she, is what I always think.

But then my heart softens and I see the true reason for this.

I don't push her away. I don't correct her on the stupid things. I've never once told her to leave. And you know why? I don't say this to glorify my actions at all, but it's because I've always loved her for who she is. I honestly don't know why either, because I don't want to.

But I've always been compelled to love her because I know no one else is going to do it for me. 

No one else is going to show her Christ's love. That's my job. And that's why God has kept her in my life this long, I know it is - because He knows that it's a challenge for me to love her - but something that needs to happen and I need to do to grow. 

And I've never looked at it like that until now. Until she left and I sat and thought about it. 

I may not like the rude and stinging comments about my faith, family, no-dating policy, pants size, etc. But I do like her enough to love her. And so that's what I'm doing.

I desire though, to love those who hate, even if it means dealing with a few strictures along the way.

So now the question is...

DO YOU DESIRE TO? && EVEN MORE THAN THAT - WILL YOU?

tomorrow is always fresh.

Tomorrow; something we've been given a limited amount of.

Tomorrow; something that we've been given to do something special with.

Tomorrow; another day that the Lord has made.

Tomorrow is a beautiful thing, isn't it? One of my favorite Anne of Green Gables quotes is "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it."

Isn't that so true? Tomorrow you'll wake up - maybe the sun will be streaming in on your face, maybe you'll look over at your sweet husband. Maybe you'll pick up your phone or glance at your alarm clock to see that you're late or that you've overslept. But you know what? Tomorrow is still beautiful, even if you're late, or you're woken up by your kids, or you have to get up early.

Tomorrow is a day that God has pre-planned for you. He knows if it's going to be easy, difficult; trying or uplifting; joyful or sorrowful; He knows! How great is that?

All of last month I was so busy that I got a bit behind in my school work. {that's when you say "awwww man" or "blechhhh" or "oh dear me."}So....now I'm faced with the task of catching up, staying ahead, and finishing my junior year of high school strong. Easy, right? Ahahahaha. No.

But. I know this: tomorrow is fresh. Tomorrow is ready for me and what problems I might bring her.

That doesn't mean I get to put things off until tomorrow; it just means I get to fix what I didn't do right today.

So, lets raise our imaginary glasses of sparkling cider and toast to tomorrow - because tomorrow is always fresh; with no mistakes in it.

8784 hours to glorify your Maker.

Today is day one of 365 that are going to take place in this year.

There are 8784 hours, 525,600 minutes, and 31,536,000 seconds in one year.

In the past week I've had a lot of time to think about what I'm going to do with my life this year. A while ago I mentioned that I'm going to start sharing more about my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus. I mentioned that I'm going to share more about my journey into the world of music and what that means for my life. More about the ministry I'm apart of, more about the songs I write, chords I play, melodies I sing.

I'm going to tell you more. A lot more.

Behind this girl named Ruthanne, there is a heck of a lot more than just a love for vintage fashion & pyrex, sewing, and fashion. More than just a girl who loves her cowboy boots and the color pink. There's more, and I want you to see that.

I am a girl of many dreams and hopes, aspirations and goals. I may be only 16, and I may not want to go to college nor have I really ever thought about it much, but I know what kind of a person I want to be.

I want people to meet me and say "she knows who she is. she's comfortable in her own skin." and not my outward appearance - I have never really thought much about that. But I want people to meet me or talk to me and walk away knowing that I know who I am in Christ. I know I have a purpose in life and I know I can't sit on my butt the rest of my life waiting for Him to move me. It doesn't work like that. I want to be a role model for younger girls. I want to show them that it may be hard to stand for purity in today's world, but it's possible and soooo worth it. I want to disprove the theory and label that all teenage girls have issues with self esteem, confidence and self image. I want to do more than just take up square footage on the earth and breathe.

There are 8784 hours, 525,600 minutes, and 31,536,000 seconds in one year.

You have 8784 hours this year to glorify your Maker. Lets subtract about 3500 for sleeping - so that leaves you with 5260 waking hours, give or take, to glorify your Maker.

Five thousand, two hundred and sixty hours.

Do you read me? That's a lot of time. Granted, we can't be doing something great all hours of every day. We all have things to do that we're required to do - and none of us are perfect. But in Colossians 3, verse 17, it says:

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Now, I know a lot of you might not have the same beliefs as I do. And that's okay - it's not my business what or who you believe in. I definitely believe anything but Jesus is the wrong thing, but that my choice. Regardless, though, of what you believe, that philosophy is not wrong. In everything we do, we should strive to be the best we can - and not to say "I'm better than you!", but to show that we care about our impact on the people around us being positive.

So this year, and every year, with the 5284 hours that I'm not sleeping, I'm going to strive to glorify my Maker. I am going to be more loving to the people around me; I'm going to help those who need it - selflessly. I'm going to sing the songs I sing not to glorify myself - because the voice I have been given is a gift from God - and He can take it away in a heartbeat - I'm going to sing for His glory. I'm going to praise His name because HE is more mighty and powerful than anyone or anything - for all eternity.

You and I were not put here to take up space.

You and I were not put here to just breathe and simply exist.

And you and I were most certainly not put here to live an empty life.

You and I were put on this earth - in whatever part of the world you are in, to glorify our Maker. To live a life of worth and praise.

There are 8784 hours, 525,600 minutes, and 31,536,000 seconds in one year.

What will you do with them?

the quickest, easiest, and cutest outfit ever.

My brother was being a dork (again) while taking the photos. I couldn't help but crack up. 

Jeans. A long sleeved t-shirt - right now my favorite is white. It's simple and makes any color scarf pop - and then the scarf itself. I personally like to pair it with my cowboy boots and a belt too :) 

My "I'm smiling like I'm warm and happy" face and my "brrrrr" face. All unintentionally captured. Bahaha. 

 My favorite. You'll be impressed after I tell you this though. My brother took this while he was hanging upside down, on our monkey bars, in basketball shorts, a t-shirt, and socks. Skill.

So I'm not much for taking a long time with my clothes or hair or makeup. It helps that I live in a place where pretty much no one does that, but still. On those mornings I wake up 30 minutes late and I'm like, "Shoot, I need to get going...", this is my favorite kind of outfit to throw on during the school year. And for the record, generally, it's scarf weather during my entire school year. Just depends.

And just so we're clear, it was 23 degrees outside at this time. It was also 4 o clock.....and sunny. Talk about cold. 

This week has already been great though. I spent yesterday making my tiny gingerbread house - and then went to our local Safeway and sang carols with my friends for salvation army. Almost everyone who passed told us it was "much better than the bell." and dropped some kind of money in. It was so nice and wonderful.

Today was filled with the wrapping of Christmas presents, rehearsing the song I'm doing for Christmas Eve services, and just breathing. I can feel a lot of changes and redirecting coming up in my life soon, and I'm so excited for it. I know God's going to take me somewhere great in the next couple years. I know He has some crazy big plan for me that I can't even comprehend, and I've just been sitting in awe of that lately. So magnificent. 

Hope you had a wonderful tuesday! :)

xoxo,

Ruthanne

the lord is my strength and my song.

It's 1:57 am.

I can't sleep.

My nose is clogged up and I can't breathe. 

I have laundry to do but no energy to do it.

I have school, lots and lots and lots of school to do, but again, no energy to do it. Nor the desire.

I haven't been able to sing in five days. This is horrendous for me, you see. 

Now it's 1:59 am.

I'm still tired but can't sleep.

Because my nose is clogged up.

And I'm still thinking about all the laundry and school I have and need to do.

But alas, no energy or motivation to do it.

And I still can't sing.

What a difference two minutes makes, eh?

And on top of all that, our annual high school Christmas party at church is tomorrow....or today, I should say, and I have absolutely no desire to go. But I need to get out of the house. "Enjoy" myself. 

Meh.

You know what's the most frustrating part about all this? The way I deal with frustration is prayer and singing. I sing a little song, all better.

It's now 2:05 am.....

&& I still have no ability to sing! 

But you know what? I posted a verse today on my facebook. 

The LORD is my 

strength && my song, 

and H E has B E C O M E my S A L V A T I O N 

THIS IS MY GOD, AND I WILL PRAISE HIM 

-EXODUS 15:2a

I forget that so often.

The Lord is my strength and song; I don't need to even open up my lips to sing. He is my song. He heals my frustration. He takes away my hurt. He is my strength too. When I have no energy, when I don't want to do it, when I can't do it, He's the reason I do. Because it's what needs to happen.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

It's 2:15 am.

I'm going to go to sleep.

I'm going to live through the night, I am breathing, in reality.

I will do laundry tomorrow morning.

I will do school tomorrow.

Lots, and lots, and lots of it.

And I will let my body rest so I can sing again.

But even if I don't sing for another five days....

THE L O R D IS MY S T R EN G T H && MY S O N G.

honestly: honest to goodness edition.

honestly

WHAT MAKES SOMEONE

think that their 
UNNECESSARY CRITICISMS 
on YOU is going to make THEM feel better?

what makes someone 

want to make you feel bad about being joyful? 

MAYBE, JUST MAYBE
it's because you are content with your life.
&& that you don't need
 their A P P R O V A L 
to be happy + smile.
m a y b e IT'S b e c a u s e  
YOU'RE NOT EMBARRASSED ABOUT 
w h o · y o u · a r e
B E C A U S E who Y O U are is R E A L.
AND WHO YOU ARE IS NOT
{ d e f i n e d }
by what O T H E R S think of you
but most of all?
who you are doesn't need 
to make the PEOPLE around YOU feel
BADLY ABOUT THEMSELVES 
so you can feel better about yourself.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT 
you are the best
AT BEING YOU && THAT'S
all there is to it!

HONESTLY.




---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I know, this is so stinking long! GAH! I'm incredibly sorry. But I had to do it, and I honestly {ha..ha...no pun intended} love it.

I have been thinking a lot lately on why others need to be rude, mean, hurtful, etc, to other people to be happy. I mean, we've all heard it before, right? "don't let it get to you, that's what they want" or "they're just really, really insecure with themselves." Right? We have all been told {or told someone} that.

Well. It might be the truth. But it doesn't make the words or thing people say and do less hurtful, now does it?

When someone hurts you, your general response is one of two things. To say something or do something hurtful in return, or to let it roll off your back, as my momma says, and move on with life.

If you've been following this blog for even just a few weeks, you know this: I am a verrrrrrrrry enthusiastic person. I am confident. I don't really care if someone thinks I'm weird for being 16 and loving vintage pyrex. I don't really care if someone thinks I smile too much. I don't care if I'm classified as "that homeschooled girl", because the reality of it is that I am all those things.

Yes, I probably smile more than the average person. I have been told I carry myself with confidence. I walk with confidence, and I don't let stuff offend me easily. My laugh probably gets annoying, oh well. I sew my own clothes and am collecting vintage pyrex for my home one day, even though I'm only 16. And I am homeschooled, and I don't rebel against it....I actually love it! Shocking, I know.

I will admit, I can be cynical. I can be condescending. But it's never on purpose, and it's never to try and make someone feel less about themselves.

Believe it or not, the fact that I'm confident and "bubbly" as most people put it, makes a lot of people insecure and uncomfortable around me.

My mom says it's cause I'm "So darn cute and don't do anything to make it happen", but she's my mom, and she's obligated to say stuff like that..haha.

I promise this isn't me being insecure or anything...trust me. This is just me throwing it out there and pondering the subject...

I've never really felt bad about who I am...people have tried to make me feel bad about it for a while, and that's come over in waves of a few days at a time four or five times a year, but that's it really.

I've been taught my entire life that I am God's daughter; His princess. And that He only made ONE of me.

One. Uno. 1.

So then why, on earth, for crying out loud, should I try and be like someone else?

He didn't put me here to be just like everyone else.

He didn't put me here to blend in.

Nope.

He put me here to do a job, a job that only I can do in a way that only I can do, a job which will utilize my personality and traits and gifts that He has given me!

That statement tends to offend people too. Weird, I know.

So what doesn't make sense, is why do people get all upset about me being "different", and confident, and bubbly, per-say, when that's what all of us are supposed to be?

I guess it's just because we're all human, we all have faults, and we're all in need of the grace of God to save us from ourselves.

Anyway, that's all. I hope I didn't rub anyone wrong with any of that, just being, well...

honest. :)

a girl named Taylor

I have a story for you. A very impacting story.

May 28, 2011

Taylor was lying on the hard desert ground. her entire body had gone numb; but a pain still penetrated her flesh. Looking up to the sky, she cried "God, God, Where are you?" a sure and steady answer came back to her; "I got you." is what she heard from her Father. She knew something was drastically wrong; she knew her earthly body had be damaged, severely damaged. But those three words continued to be whispered into her heart; I got you. I got you.

I was at a memorial day bbq with my youth group. My youth pastor was not himself, I could tell that much. I knew something was wrong. then I heard her name. and another girls name, saying "Is she okay? Is Taylor okay?" the response on the other end was something along the lines of "We think she has a few broken ribs." I knew right then and there that something was terribly wrong. He got off the phone and saw me staring at him, as I asked him what happened. "Taylor's been in an accident. she's at the hospital." Broken ribs, ha, no. no. there is something else going on here, I thought to myself, panicking. I was the only one who knew. the only one in the group of kids who knew what had happened. I couldn't tell anyone yet, no. I had to hold it in until I really knew something was wrong. Really wrong. then I could lose it. Right? Right.

We got another call; Jesse's face went pale as the words made their way through the air to his ear: "She's paralyzed from the waist down. They don't know if it's just shock or not, or temporary." He looked at me, knowing we're so close. he told me to pray, not to say a word, and just pray. I did.

The day went on with laughter and food. We were all playing a game called signs, maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't. It was getting crazy, shouts were going off everywhere and giggles were being emitted from the mouths of the girls. It was snowing outside, yes, snowing. We were all sitting on Mary Beth's floor playing this game. an hour and a half had passed, at least. I was still holding it inside, praying silently.

Jesse walks in. He asks us to put the game on hold. I think he was letting us have some fun before he had to break the news. "Taylor has been in an accident." he said. "She is paralyzed from the waist down right now, her back is broken, and she's in a lot of pain. I don't want to ruin your day, but this is serious. I want to stop and pray, for her, for her family, for the doctors." I spoke up now. "Can we do a popcorn prayer?" Jess looked at me and said "Sure. you can go ahead and start us off. I'll finish."

And so the prayers began, and tears began to fall. I prayed. The next person prayed. And the next. I don't know how long we were sitting there, but it seemed like forever. Tissues were passed around by the leaders. We ended our prayer time on a solemn note; remembering that God has a purpose for all of this.

Another one of Taylor's closest friends, Kelsi, was there. I'd known Kelsi since preschool, and we'd both known Taylor for forever as well. I looked up at her and the instant we made eye contact, we both knew no one else in our group would be able to understand the pain we had. We grew closer in that instant.

Kelsi and I went upstairs to call people and let them know what had happened; we went through a list of numbers, and then her mom called. "I'm coming to get you. We're going down to Reno." Kelsi replied with one word. "Okay." She got off the phone and asked if I wanted to go. I instantly called my parents and told them the situation; my dad told me to go. Call him when we got there.

An hour later after waiting in the hot, stuffy waiting room for what felt like forever, I stood by her bedside, trying to hold it together. I looked at her and grasped her hand. A silent tear rolled down her cheek and she grinned, saying "ow..that hurts too..." Lifelong friends we were, the kind that can be separated for years at a time and pick back up right where they left off in an instant. I had never seen my sister like this. I had never seen her so helpless. Kelsi came in to; we were at first only allowed to see her one at a time but they let us all in to pray. We prayed for our dear sister, and had to leave. But the thing I heard being whispered into my heart was "I've got her. I've got her." And I knew it would be okay, even if she never walked again.

__________________________________________________

You're probably wondering why I told you that story.

One, for prayer for Taylor and her amazing family, to stay strong and grounded throughout the years of trials that are sure to come, with or without healing.

Two, to hopefully inspire you. Taylor is stronger than ever; more beautiful than ever, and more radiant than ever. She's in a wheelchair; can't feel below her bellybutton, and is still happy and joyful, and that hasn't changed but for an hour once or twice since her accident. People always ask me, "How is Taylor doing with this all?" My response generally consists of a few things; she has her Father with her, and He has His plan, she still is alive, and has full use of her upper body, that is a lot to be thankful for, and she draws attention to herself just by going somewhere; everyone notices her wheelchair and she gets to show the love of God just by how she acts in public.

And three, to maybe let you know that it could be a lot worse. Every few months I get into a rut of thinking about what I don't have or can't do. I'm so selfish! I have full use of every. single. thing. in my body. Why would I complain about stupid things?

That is the story of Taylor; and honestly? I love it. I am so proud and blessed to call her a dear friend.