loneliness isn't punishment

As I climbed into bed last night, I started my nightly chat with God..it's kind of our thing we have. Bed time is my favorite because we sit and talk about the day and my heart and I get to let it all out.

I don't really have a best friend anymore. Not anyone who I can grab coffee with, anyway, or hit the mall with on Friday. I have a couple of girlfriends whom I've grown up with and can go months in between talking, but we often do just that, go months in between seeing each other. My three closest friends live in Washington, Texas, and Pennsylvania, and honestly, I've spent a lot of time asking God "why". 

In a recent conversation with one of my pastors and talking about bitterness and letting go of grudges, he suggested that I do my very best to rekindle damaged relationships and involve myself with people. If you read my post about my relationship this summer (here) and how it was handled by the people around me, you may understand why I felt distant from my peers and the people I'm surrounded by. But here's the cold hard honest truth: I have never truly, honest to goodness, had a "real" relationship, one that dug deep and was heartfelt, with most of the girls he was encouraging me to mend things with. Some may say this is a bad thing, but I truly believe, despite whatever may come between me and them, I was never made to fit with their crowd. And this is okay.

Last night, when I was talking to God, I just kept asking Him why...why have I never felt at home with friends? Why have I never really meshed well with other girls? Why is it that more often than not, I feel lonely and lame? Fellowshipping is really hard for me, and something I have to work at. I'm a social girl, I am, but I often feel like fellowshipping turns into a game of "who can mask their problems the most" or "who can be the most transparent and make everyone else feel bad" and while I know that's not always true, it's what it looks like a lot of the time. As I'm writing this, He's still telling me "hang on."

In my loneliness, God has been teaching me patience. He's been teaching me strength. He's also been teaching me grace; to not be condemning on those who find solace in fellowship. He's reminding me that He made me different, not for punishment, but because He loves me and has something special planned for my life. Just because I don't fit here in my current stage of life, doesn't mean His plans don't include me.

I've had this feeling lately that I won't be in T-town much longer. About a month and a half ago I began purging my room of all unwanted clothing and things...because I felt this sudden urge to detach myself from anything that might hold me back if God calls me somewhere. I don't see this as an accident.

I'm not the most spiritual person in the world, and I am not well versed in theology, but I can tell you this. I am a daughter of the King. I love my Jesus. And I have a feeling something big is coming my way. 

My entire life has been spent wondering what is wrong with me; why am I not invited to things; why don't I hang out with other girls; why am I different? The reason to this may be that I'm obnoxious sometimes, or that I'm a flirt at other times and just end up with boys, or that I just don't do drama...but really, these are things most girls possess. I know for a fact there isn't anything "wrong" with me - I am indeed a sinful woman and I act according to my flesh more often than not, but this doesn't make me wrong. It makes me human, and it makes me, well, me. 

Above any other lesson God's been teaching me lately, is that loneliness isn't punishment. He's given me the task of bearing such a burden because he knows I'm strong and He knows my heart...He also knows my confidence in His will and my ability to persevere. And I've been feeling a certain prodding on my heart the past few weeks that tells me "something's coming, hang on." 

My burden and cross to bear (one of them, anyway) is loneliness. I don't always do it well, I don't always succeed in trying to maintain joy in my "suffering". Because I won't lie and tell you I enjoy it - it's hard to feel like you're the outcast. But I do know this: there is indeed something coming. Whether it's life altering or simply a change of pace for the time being....my loneliness is not a punishment. My Jesus knows what He's doing and I plan on trusting Him to get me through. I know life won't always be fun and I won't always have company, but where I am now is simply prepping me for where I will be later. 

I want to challenge you, sweet friends, to look at your burdens as blessings. Ask God the rest of this week to give you joy in carrying the heavy stuff, and to give you understanding in his sovereignty.