grace. give it.

Hey, people.

So, this post is going to be a little dramatic. A little detailed. Probably longer than intended. But. I have a real reason and I promise you, I'm not crazy.

So. Let's see. I'm going to preface this with: I am not throwing out names or accusing anyone. I haven't been told names about who said what, but I have an idea - but again. I genuinely don't know any details other than what my real friends have said to me about all of this. /End rant. Moving on, now.

At the beginning of the year, I started talking to a guy. He wasn't saved, and I knew it. I also knew he liked me, I drove his ex-girlfriend's car, and he was really really attractive. I blew him off for a long time, because, I knew exactly where things would go if I didn't. Then, one day, I caved. And things went there. 

We started talking, a lot, flirting, a lot, and eventually, I fell for him. Hard. I still had my brains though, and I knew he wasn't saved. By the time I graduated we were dating. And I was in absolute love with this guy. 

Now, this guy, when I say he wasn't saved, I also mean he has a past. He had previously dated a lot of girls and is known around town as a hell raiser. I knew this, too, and I loved him in spite of it. Maybe even more because he didn't try and deny who he was. He knew and he owned it, something I feel a lot of people in the church are incapable of. You are who you are and you shouldn't try to hide it. Good or bad, that's why Jesus died for us - to redeem us.

When he came home from college before I graduated, and we talked about how this was gonna work, I told him I wanted him to come to church with me. He understood who Jesus was and the concept, and I told him if I was going to do this we were gonna have to go to church and I wanted to see him move towards Christ with purpose. He agreed. And the only reason I asked was because I knew he wanted it. I wasn't forcing him

In this town, there are basically 3 main churches. Not really a lot of options, but I loved mine. We have 3 services - two in the morning and an evening one. The evening service is generally a younger crowd, so we planned on going to that one. Well. Here's what happened.

People found out we were together - I wasn't hiding it but I wasn't going around talking about it non stop. It's my business, not theirs. If people found out, I didn't care, but I didn't think I needed to proclaim anything. He was in my profile picture on facebook and that was enough for me. I like my privacy (which is funny because I post about my life on a blog on the internet for everyone to read...ha! Irony!)

Anyway. I knew people would talk; this was inevitable. I didn't know, though, how much condemnation I would feel. I heard from a few people that things were going around - all church people - and I instantly got a bad taste in my mouth about going to our Sunday night gathering. I knew though that we needed to go.

Around this time I also quit attending youth group; I was planning on not going after I graduated, anyway, but I didn't know how I'd phase out of that. I think it was expected that I would go into a leadership position after I was graduated and I personally was not in favor of that. I don't think it's appropriate for girls just out of high school to be mentoring girls just a year of two younger than them. I am still learning too, and I don't want to give advice that may be taken wrong or too far. I just don't think it's okay. I was asked several times when I left before the high school group started why I wasn't staying. My response frequently was "I have to help my mom." And each and every single time that was the truth, but with each time I was asked, it was more intentional and almost questioning my faith. I was irritated with the attitude that youth group made me a better Christian. I started working a lot, too, though, and I legitimately couldn't attend anymore. That's just how it worked out.

On top of not going to youth group, I had to cut back the time I spent on the worship team. I was working 40-60, sometimes even 70 hours a week. I didn't have the time. I think it was assumed that I was working too much, on top of me dating this guy, not going to youth group and not being on the worship team as much. But heres what I have to say to that: I was a nanny for some very wealthy and influential people; people who rely on money for happiness. People who's kids are generally disregarded as rich people's kids - brats, so to speak. 

I was given the opportunity to love them and their kids with a judgement free love; I was able to love them like they loved their children, and that spoke volumes to these parents, I know it did, because when they found out I was a Christian, it was like a light came on. And it made sense to them, why I was different. I had the opportunity to minister to people without speaking a word about Jesus. I was able to live out the phrase "Share the gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words." Love was my way of speaking. So to those who thought I worked too much; I disagree, more than you would think. Just because my mission field wasn't typical, doesn't mean it wasn't a mission field. 

So here I am, it's the middle of summer, I have a boyfriend I adore, my life has changed drastically within the past month and a half, and I feel completely shunned by the people who claimed and are supposed to be "gracious and loving" towards me. Ha. That's funny. It was assumed I was completely dropping out of church activities altogether.

I was at almost every single 8:30 am service this summer. Just because everyone else my age can't get up that early to get to church, to SEE it, doesn't mean I wasn't there. I had things to do, and I still made sure I got to church on Sunday morning. Someone commented to me that I was never at church this summer and that is a load of BS. I was there, I just wasn't there 20-30 hours a week. My bad.

Fast forward to the end of August. I've been working a ridiculous amount. The boyfriend was too. The little bit of time we got together was spent at one of our houses with our families. We didn't go out and do stupid things. We weren't sleeping together. We were rarely even alone. We simply were doing our best to see each other as much as we could before fall came and he went back to school, 11 hours away. 

For reasons that don't need to be talked about here, we broke up before he left for school. It was really, really hard. It sucked, honestly. I hated it. Adjusting to him being gone AND not talking to him was harder than I thought it would be. What was even worse is that I had no one here who could comfort me and encourage me through this hard time.

Work slowed down, the families I worked for went back to their year round houses, and my time was freed up. People at church started seeing me around a little more, and I'm guessing they assumed it was because my boyfriend was gone and I was "free to be a Christian again" or something.

Everything that happened this summer happened with horrible timing, because it all looked like everything I did was related to him. Not going to church as much because my schedule didn't allow looked like it was his fault, going back to church because my schedule got freed up happened at the same time he left and we broke up.

If you know me personally, witnessed all of this this summer, and passed a judgement on me, this is what I have to say to you.

I feel judged. I feel condemned. I feel hurt. When one of the guys who was here over the summer got up in front of the church and talked about all the love and grace he felt from our church in the short time he'd been there, I felt sick. I felt none of that from any of you this summer, with the exception of our worship pastor, two of the girl interns, and a few adults in our body. You acted like it was a secret, like my relationship was satanic; like I was turning into a heathen. You assumed the worst without ever just coming out and just asking me about it. If you had asked me about him instead of how i was doing I would have happily answered and given you the low down; but the two people who asked me about it, made it sound like there was something wrong with me. Like I was somehow broken or feeding feelings and an emptiness with a boy.

The common question I was asked was "How are you doing, Ruthanne? What's going on in your heart?"

Can you see how that might come across to me as judgmental? I knew where you were going with the question, if you were one of the people who asked me. I'm not an idiot. I understood what I was doing and what I was involved with. But instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt, trying to understand and encourage me to be above reproach, the worst was assumed and I felt shunned. I have a hard time even being around most of my generation and church these days, because all that grace and love that was talked about? Yeah, that? That's only given to "good" people, I guess. People with "christian problems". 

I am not broken. Jesus died and fixed me. I am a work in progress. I am not a heathen. I am not clueless. I am not oblivious to the implications of my summer relationship. I get it. 

When I was catching up with a really good, really old, not-talk-for-months-and-pick-up-where-we-left-off friend this week, she said to me:

"I felt like with what I was hearing, I needed to call you and chew you out. What people were telling me was really concerning, but I know you better, and I just didn't know what to do. I know you're not an idiot. So I just prayed."

Two things.

1.) if you said anything at all about me and my relationship without talking to me about it, shame on you. You had no reason or grounds to speak of it. The fact that it was talked about enough that it could just come up in conversations and this friend heard about it more than once makes me sick. I am not your gossip magazine. You are supposedly Christians. Act as such, for crying out loud.

2.) I was really thankful that she knew me better than to call me and assume I was going nuts. She did what every single one of you should have done - she prayed, instead of talking to others about me. 

So. I want to say again, I don't know any names of people who talked. I have my assumptions, but I'll keep those to myself. I'm not pointing any particular fingers, but I know someone or more than one someone talked about it because the friend I mentioned above wouldn't have heard anything if someone hadn't. Because of how this situation was handled, I have a very bitter taste in my mouth about my church and the people my age who are in it. I'm not perfect, but I do my best to not assume the worst and pry into other's business and personal lives, if I'm not invited. 

Please, think twice before opening your mouth about someone else. The bible is very clear about gossip and speaking wholesome and uplifting words.

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) says this: 

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

John 7:24 (ESV) says: 

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

I think I was judged by who my boyfriend was and what he had done, not by who I was and what I had done. My heart and passion for Christ was disregarded because I was with someone who had less than I did in that area - and that's a whole other biblical discussion, but if you are going to hold me to the bible's standards, you best believe I'm going to hold you to it too.

John 8:7 (ESV) also talks about judgement. It says this:

And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

James 1:26 has some pretty important things to say, too.

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.

I wasn't expecting to fall in love so fast or hard with this boy. I went into it knowing he was hungry for a different satisfaction; he was looking for Jesus. He knew the things of this world wouldn't fulfill his desires. I had two choices: leave him hanging and possibly ruin his entire view of Christianity and Jesus, or, love him where he was at and pray God blessed that. I'm not saying my actions were biblical or right, I'm just owning them. This is what I did and why I did it. I'm not afraid to own up to it. God and I have our own talks frequently about it. I'm not hiding in my decisions. 

If I could do it all  over, I'd do everything the same. I got to love the "unlovable" and I had another opportunity to speak the gospel without words. Loving him gave me an avenue to love others, and I believe wholeheartedly that I made an impact on at least one person's life in the time I dated him. I don't think it was a waste of time. While my decisions and why I made them may not have been exactly what I should have done, I believe God blessed me in spite of them, and there is a lot of beauty in the ashes. 

I will leave you with this.

If nothing else, when you're given the opportunity to gossip and talk poorly about someone and their actions, don't. Not only did this hurt my heart to hear how much I was talked about, but it hurt my relationship with 90% of the people who claim to be close friends and sisters and even a few brothers in Christ. Also, your judgement will not bring the person being judged closer to Christ. It will drive them away from the body and hurt you more than you think. My relationship with God is fine. I'm not any different than you; striving daily to be a light and grow closer to Him and more like Him. But I want nothing to do with the people who passed judgement on me. Lastly, don't talk about being a gracious and loving, forgiving, individual if you plan on being legalistic and condemning. You will not only drive away the Christians in you life, but you instantaneously give the lost a dozen reasons not to be like you.

Give grace. Ask before you judge. Pray before you speak. Know before you assume. 

xoxo, Ruthanne 

p.s. if you want to talk to me about any of this, let me know. shoot me a fb message or text, and we'll go to coffee. Whether you want to offer an apology, explanation, or just ask me about my relationship with him in more detail, let me know. I just might be up for talking, since none of that happened this summer.